The Most Frequently Used Words In The English Language…

I’ve done a lot of reading and a fair amount of writing, so I know a few things about words and grammar and such. Having been a Communications major in college (a fact often, inexplicably, disputed by a wife who seems to have a difficult time understanding when to listen to what I say and when to read my mind), and leaving the university with an appropriately labeled B.S. degree, I became a vocational implementor of that discipline during a career in sales and marketing. All of this to affirm that I have a few credentials in the use of English as my native tongue.

Prior to an interaction with my two nephews when they were very young, I’d always thought that the most commonly used words in the English language were “the” or “and” or “the check’s in the mail”. I stand corrected. A first-hand experience revealed my error. I am now convinced that the most frequently used words in the English language are “Uncle Todd”. I can prove it.

Many years ago I was a visitor in the home of my brother-in-law, sister and nephews who were ages 3 and 5. My sister was recovering from serious back surgery, so being the loving, devoted, self-sacrificing brother that I am, and seeing as how that operation and recovery coincided with the opening of Wisconsin’s fishing season, I brought my wife from our home in New Hampshire to help take care of the boys.

I had every intention of helping, provided that my brother-in-law and I had any free time between fishing trips.

As was planned, my wife returned home after the first week, leaving me to be Mr. Mom while my brother-in-law was at work and my sister laid around pretending to be recuperating from some bone grafts and steel implants to her spine.

She milked a similar surgery for sympathy as a pre-teen, only that time she was in a full body cast for several months. This time, a few weeks following the procedure, she could almost sit up without severe pain.

But that didn’t stop her from rudely interrupting my watching Vanna White turn over a letter on the Wheel of Fortune (making me lose my entire train of puzzle-solving thought), or asking if I could help her navigate to the bathroom, or stop a toddler nephew from eating out of the dog bowl. You can see the kind of things I had to put up with while feigning compassion.

Back to the linguistic discovery mentioned before. My wife being back at home and my brother-in-law being back at work every day put a terrible crimp in the fishing schedule, so that second week I mostly functioned as a human jungle gym, playtime coordinator, football thrower, maker of tents out of a sheet strung between two trees, story reader, bedtime prayer and nature hike guide.

It was under those many and varied circumstances that I noticed the most frequently used words occurring most frequently.

They were usually voiced as a duet, with vigorous repetition, and would continue in lyrical crescendo until nothing else could be done or heard before a response registered. Here is a transcription of a snippet of one such exchange during a walk in the woods.

Statistically speaking, during the aforementioned seven days, the words “Uncle Todd” comprised approximately 62% of all spoken words. It seems amazing that you will not even find “Uncle Todd” in the dictionary. I wonder why not, given the frequency of their use. Even now, decades later, those words still echo in my ears with fond cacophony. And lately, with the next gen of youngins to enjoy, it is still music to my ears.

Uncle Todd